Published On: 12 February, 2014|By |
This is the last post in Series 1 – How to Spot An Abuser.
COMING:
Series 2 – Why the Abused Stay
Series 3 – Why Abusers Abuse
Series 4 – Help For the Abused
 

In the last 5 posts, we have covered physical and verbal abuse patterns, but this is, in concise form, how to spot an abuser before you marry one.

“My boyfriend gets furious when I won’t dump all my friends and spend all my time with him. I was so thrilled to have a devoted boyfriend, that I ignored all he warning signs of abuse. I convinced myself that he loved me and that things would get better with time. I was wrong – completely wrong.” 1

It cannot be emphasized enough that red flags and warning signs are minimized and justified at your own peril!

Typically, the troubling behaviour intensifies the longer you are together – especially after marriage when he feels that he now owns you.

The most telling sign is fear

FEAR

> constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up
> can’t trust him
 

FEELING BELITTLED

> feeling like you can’t do anything right
> feeling put down, humiliated, embarassed
> your opinions, needs and accomplishments are ignored
 

FEELING CONTROLLED

> things usually have to go his way
> he expects physical intimacy before marriage
> he checks up on you
 

FEELING ISOLATED

> overly jealous
> he views others as a threat
 

FEELING THREATENED

> access to car, money, phone or family is sometimes blocked
> he restricts your freedom of movement by grabbing your arm or blocking your path
 

FEELING BLAMED

> you feel guilt for his unhappiness or anger 2
 
black couple disconnected on couch
 

What does an abuser look like?

CHARMING

> smothers you with gifts and praise
> pushes for an exclusive relationship using phrases like, “I couldn’t live without you.”
 

JEALOUS

> views others as a threat
> accuses you of flirting
 

MANIPULATIVE

> easily detects vulnerability and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle, demean
 

CONTROLLING

> checks on where you are or where you have been
> uses verses to coerce you into things that you are doubtful of – ex: while dating – “You should start practicing being submissive now.”
 

VICTIM-MENTALITY

> doesn’t take responsibility for poor choices
> never at fault
 

NARCISSIST

> the whole world revolves around him and his needs
> secretly invigorated by the fact that you live in fear of his next outburst
 

INCONSISTENT

> mood swings
 
 

CRITICAL

> verbally assaults others
 

DISCONNECTED

> isolation from family and friends forces you into total submission
 

HYPERSENSITIVE

> slightest offense sends him ranting
> everyone is “out to get him”
 

CRUEL

> harms children and animals
 

INSINCERELY REPENTANT

> will swear to “never do that again.” 3
 
 

Should I break up?

No one is ready for marriage until they find their completeness in God alone. A dissatisfied single will be an emotional leech, depending on his/her new spouse for happiness.

God didn’t tell Adam, “It’s not good for man to be single.” He said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” Man needs companionshiop and, until you’re ready for marriage, potential companions with whom you can fellowship and share life, male and female, are all around you!

No spouse is a thousand times better than an abusive spouse.

As stated in post 1, every week in Australia one woman dies at the hand of her abusive husband/partner!

When an abuser loses control, he will likely go into a rage. Therefore you need a plan if you are going to break up with one. Tell someone you can trust and get help. Post 2 on Domestic Violence has many places to call or sites to look up with info and ideas.

And don’t believe the lie that it’s not abuse until he hits you.

3 Essentials to a Thriving Relationship

MUTUALITY

Both individuals contribute honesty, caring, respect, responsibility, and repentance. Mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. 2 Corinthians 6:11-13; I Corinthians 7:3-4; I Peter 3:1-2,7.

RECIPROCITY

Both give and both receive. There is not a double standard whereby one person gets all the goodies while the other sacrificially does most of the work. 2 Corinthians 8:13-14

FREEDOM

You are allowed to make choices, to give input, and to express your feelings without fear of being badgered, manipulated and punished. You are not afraid to be yourself or feel pressured into being something you’re not.

We’ve all witnessed the results in world history, religious groups and families where members have to do and say and be what the person in charge tells them.

Naturally, I don’t mean freedom to do what you want regardless of what the other person feels. All healthy reltionships need freedom to disagree, to respectfully challenge someone’s decisions and to be the person God made them to be. 4

Having your freedom of movement, choices, friends and expressions restricted by your husband is unhealthy and unbiblical . . . and you DON’T wanna go there. Who you marry is your choice and God will give you the strength to do the right thing.

Well, this concludes Series 1 on “How to Spot an Abuser”.

Now we’ll start talking about “Why the Abused Stay” in Series 2. I’m sure that question has popped into your mind! Input is welcome!

Joyfully, Joy

 
 

________

1 told amid a flood of tears to Laura Petherbridge www.laurapetherbridge.com

2 http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects

3 http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects

4 adapted from The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick, WaterBrook Press, division of Random House, available on Amazon.com

About the Author: Joy Harris

Joy studied elementary education before going on to teach at the primary school level as well as homeschooling for twenty-six years. Joy has touched the lives of thousands through her ministry in state Religious Education, Sunday Schools, and Holiday Bible Clubs as well as through her speaking at various seminars and retreats. Joy is also a gifted musician and has collaborated on multiple recording projects as well as maintaining a private teaching studio for over thirty years. Joy currently does missions support spreading her time between Uganda, Vanuatu, and her home in Australia. Joy has seven children and twenty grandchildren. You can contact Joy at joy@jasonharris.com.au.

4 Comments

  1. laura 12 February, 2014 at 12:24 pm - Reply

    Thanks Joy, I love the info

  2. TheSpiceIsLife 14 February, 2014 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    I object to the use of the male pronoun in this article. Women can be abusive too.

    • Joy Harris 15 February, 2014 at 3:23 pm

      Thank you for posting your concern and I totally agree with you that women can be very abusive, especially verbally.

      I addressed this issue in post 2, “Defining Domestic Violence”, and meant it to cover the whole series.

      Reasons I use ‘he’:
      1 – one woman every week dies at the hand of her violent husband/partner, according to http://www.whiteribbon.org
      2 – 95% of victims are women, according to the USA National Domestic Violence Hotline
      3 – “1 in 2 female murder victims are killed by their male partners, often during an ongoing abusive relationship” -http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/publications/violence/album/en/index.html
      3 – men have superior strength
      4 – men are more often in a position of authority
      5 – it’s easier to use one pronoun/noun instead of 2

      No offense meant.

  3. Kez 4 March, 2014 at 3:13 pm - Reply

    Interestingly (to me anyway) and speaking to the prevalence of these situations, in most (presumably all) of the women’s toilets on my University campus here in Australia, there is just one advertisement plastered to the inside of each cubical door: That of a hotline and counselling service for women in domestic violence situations.

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